My Take on "Friends with Benefits" - PART 1

Not being one to ever assume, I will give you my definition of the term "friends with benefits." The term "friends with benefits" in it's most basic form means - having a platonic relationship where both parties benefit from sexual gratification with NO STRINGS ATTACHED! Sounds GREAT right?

I have to confess that I have found myself in this situation a couple of times and it didn't get easier with time or experience. O.K., Let me try to break this down - The more time you have been friends with the person, the more complex the situation will be to handle. Additionally, the consequences, final outcome and number of people involved will increase exponentially. So for the purpose of this blog we will break down the discussion into two parts:

Part 1: "Recently Acquired Friend with Benefits" -  As it's name suggests - you have known the person for a relatively short period of time (between 3 months -1 year).

Part 2: "Long Time Friend with Benefits" - These are friends you have had for a long time usually over 5 years....


Let's start by talking about the "Recently Acquired Friend with Benefits." 

Story #1

Invariably, once you come into contact with people on a day to day basis there will be a few that are more "outstanding" than others, or just seem to connect in a positive way. You know, someone's presence that always puts a smile on your face, someone who genuinely laughs at all your corny jokes, someone who seems to understand everything you do and say, someone who finds you more interesting than reality TV. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

A few years ago I made such a connection. Attractive, smart, independent and came with all the "bells and whistles" I would typically look for in a woman. Funny enough we met at (of all places) a church social (please don't be upset with me Lord) where as it turns out we shared several friends in common.

Over the course of a few months we spoke on the phone and saw each other at different events our mutual friends were hosting. I would tell her about what my current girlfriend (gf) did or said to me that really ticked me off and she would tell me the challenges she was having with her boy friend (bf). We found ourselves quite organically becoming pretty close friends. It just so happened that I broke up with my gf around the same time she broke up with her bf and this is when things started getting a little tricky....

We began spending a lot more time together both out with friends and on the phone. We were almost
always side by side  at restaurants, bars and all social events/gatherings. Everything was fine UNTIL - just like in the movies- one night after going to a local club near to Campus (we were in College) we both had a bit too much to drink - I ended up walking her to her dorm room - she asked if I was ok to walk home - I responded I'm pretty sure - she said maybe you should come up for a bit so you can sober up. Now based on the title of this blog and the direction this story has taken I'm thinking you probably have a fair idea of what happened next. Now what? I wake up the next morning butt naked covered in hot wax and chained to the  lower level of a bunk bed (I'll give you the details in another blog) with someone who I deemed "just a friend.

Her eyes opened - she smiled and said good morning, and for that moment I thought to myself, this is going to be alright! I WAS WRONG SO VERY WRONG! Even after a long discussion and a mutual understanding (I thought) that this was not a relationship just a "friends with benefits" type scenario (which SHE stated), things started getting weird.

First there was the obvious - we didn't want our friends to find out because then it would make things awkward and neither of us wanted that - so everything was done in silence and "all sneaky like." The more we tried to hide the fact that the relationship was a bit more "advanced" than many assumed, the more obvious something was up. We were careful not to sit beside each other at events, we called each other less and less and we seemed to only want to meet to have body part fights.

She was no longer the girl who always puts a smile on my face, who genuinely laughs at all your corny jokes, or seems to find me more interesting than a reality TV show - NOPE- she became someone I slept with in "secret" every chance I got. I knew it would have been challenging to keep up appearances but not impossible, I even convinced myself that the situation could even be sustainable - UNTIL - the inevitable happened. One of our mutual friends pushed her dorm room and saw things that to this day I am too embarrassed to share, (let's just say it involved role play and the Smurfs) and this is where it got ugly.

The friend then went and told everyone in the group what she had discovered and that's when as they say in Jamaica "DOLLY HOUSE MASH UP!" - I immediately started feeling pressure from my benefit giving friend to get into a relationship - for fear of people speaking poorly about her character I suppose. Now I don't want to come across like an asshole at this point of the story but I probably will, this is what happened...

I really didn't want to be in a relationship with her - the more I knew her as a friend and the more she

opened up about her previous relationships - I thought she might be a little on the crazy side....I don't mean ha ha crazy, I mean you NEED clinical help type crazy (details I will have to give you in another blog post) so there was NO WAY I was going to be subjected to that willingly. So what did I do? I started to pull back - well it was more like hand brake turn and peel tires in the opposite direction. I agree, it could have been dealt with in a much more mature and appropriate way but "I was young and foolish." So this seemingly "innocent" and "mutually beneficial" situation quickly took a turn for the worst.

She called me 29 times an hour, came looking for me at my apartment in the wee hours of the morning and last but not least - told all of our mutual friends how much of an asshole I was. Now readers, tell me the truth, based on everything I have highlighted - am I really an asshole for running for the hills? Or was my friend who chose to hand out benefits with no strings attached just trying to save face for agreeing to such an understanding? Please write in the comments - I really want your take - what would you have done?


As luck would have it - I was seen as an asshole by all of her girlfriends, but funny enough when I explained this same situation to my bredrins (Jamaican term for male friends) they seemed to be a lot more understanding. Is there something missing here?

In the end - from the very moment we decided to get into this "friends with benefits" situation the friendship suffered. And even though the benefits were amazing - they were had in secret and fear of being caught. All her friends think I am a dawg (except two who called me shortly after to try to get into the same type of situation) and we don't even speak today. I am sure if she saw me on the street she would just walk by without saying a word....how do I know this? Because it happened twice YEARS after the whole ordeal. I can't lie - from time to time I used to think about what it might have been like if I had just gone along with it and gone all in into a relationship with her....But if all I could think about was the physical aspect of the relationship - I knew that that would have been a disaster waiting to happen. 

In closing off this story on "Recently Acquired Friend with Benefits" I must say that even though this situation caused heart ache and pain for many involved - The "Long Time Friend with Benefits" situation is on a totally different level and can be life altering...

Look out for Part 2 next week Sunday  - where I share with you a story about a long time friend I crossed the line with and how those actions changed my life forever...