FAMILY: Asset or Liability?

No matter how I slice this cake, someone is going to get a piece of icing he/she could have done without. Now I understand that every family has a "black sheep," substance abuser, physical abuser, old fashion asshole or worse - a mega combination of all previously stated. I also understand that every family has a role model, confidence builder, kind and selfless nurturer or better - a combination of the all previously stated. As I gobbled away turkey for thanksgiving this past Thursday - I began to think about all the things I was grateful for: Family, friends, food clothing, shelter etc. - Then I selected a category and dug a bit further (weird right?). Based on my thoughts about family - I decided to tell you a story - a story I have only shared with few close to me. Additionally, I will answer the questions asked in the title based on MY EXPERIENCE. Ready for the story? Here we go.....

In the Spring of 2000, (I lived in Jamaica at the time)  I decided to work in England in an effort to save money - anticipating acceptance to a University in the States. The job I had at the time earning Jamaican dollars just wasn't going to be enough help to pay for my anticipated expenses....So off I went. Luckily, I had some family over in Tottenham kind enough to let me crash, expense free for the duration of my stay (You know who you are - Thanks a MIL!). After a couple weeks I found a job at a cinema in Edmonton. With my goal in mind - I worked 18 hours a day - seven days a week. I did everything from cleaning toilets to running their box office.

Let me try to put some of this into context. At the time I could have gone to University in Jamaica for free - as my mom was working on staff for a prominent and well respected Institution. Why didn't I? I wanted to push myself, take my life to the next level, explore the world, learn about new cultures, be all that I could be (....and I wanted to move out of my parents' house!). That being said - initially my parents weren't supporting my decision to go away to a foreign country to amass debt - when I could have stayed in Jamaica and in their minds achieved my goal of higher education for a fraction of the cost. Needless to say - I was on my own to figure out how I was going to finance my American tuition....That was just to give you some context as to where my drive and motivation came from....I wanted to succeed the more I was told the mountain was going to be too high. Anyway, I digress...back to the story......

After several months - I got a call from my mom in Jamaica. "YOU GOT ACCEPTED!" she said. I

will never forget that call - My response was "Are you sure?" - LOL - Hey it took me by surprise at the time - sorry - never been good on the spot. Now this is where the story changes pace. I quit my "awesome" job at the cinema - kissed my British family goodbye and was on a plane back to Jamaica 3 days after I got the initial call. While in Jamaica, I gathered all my stuff and I was off! With barely enough money saved to cover my flight to the States and my first semester's tuition. Now there was one slight miscalculation on my part. I didn't take into account the cost of HOUSING! Kind of important an oversight eh? What that meant was that I had to scramble to find family members in the States that didn't live too far from the University that were willing to take me in. A week before my trip to the States, my mom and I found a taker - one of her 3 brothers. It would be perfect I thought - he had a daughter who already completed her first year at the same University. We could go to school together, come home together, study together - real Bill Cosby - Huckstable family type stuff....I was most excited!

O.K. so I have all my paper work in order, packed and ready to embark on this new phase of my life.  Jumped on a plane and I'm off to the States. I touch down, full of excitement and anticipation - my family is there to greet me and all is well.....

This is where the story gets a bit tricky. First let me lay out my new "family situation" through introducing you to the characters involved.

Uncle B (mom's brother who took me in) - Successful business man, built a trucking company from the ground up. To this day - one of the hardest working men I know. Can come across as rough around the edges and a bit harsh at times - but he was definitely my favorite uncle growing up. He has a history of being very very very soft on women he is in a relationship with and as a result found himself in a marriage where he is undermined and emasculated by his wife regularly and in public. Don't worry though - he is OK with it - I asked him about it at one point and he told me "she keeps me in check!"

Auntie M - Has 2 children (daughter and son for Uncle B) - Loves her kids to death  - her kids can do no wrong. Let me re-phrase that - HER SON CAN DO NO WRONG! Unfortunately, her daughter grew up knowing she wasn't the favorite and that has affected every aspect of her life. M is very controlling and is always the one in charge of every situation that matters. Even though she has an infectious laugh her words can be very venomous. Due to the fact that she is head of the household her words carry an overbearing negative weight and degrading tone.

Older Cuz (female who already has 1 year of College under her belt) - Where to start? She has always had a self esteem and self worth issue (to this day). But that is because of the venomous words she heard on a daily basis telling her how fat she was or how stupid she was and how much better her younger brother was than she was - from someone who is supposed to be nurturing and encouraging her.....OUCH - can you say tough life? Well it showed then and it shows now. She was and is extremely unhappy with the way her life turned out. She has always found herself in abusive relationships - either physical, emotional or both and has always KNOWN that she wasn't the favorite even worse -she was constantly made to feel that way. Anyone under these circumstances would need professional psychological help - and she does desperately.

Younger Cuz (Male) -  1 word - Awesome! He is the result of growing up feeling loved, appreciated and special. He did well through school, has had great relationships, friends and is a great all around person.  Destined to be a success and a valued contributor to his community and to the society on a whole. NIGHT AND DAY different from his sister.

O.K. now you have the family dynamics. Back to the story.....

I shared a room with my younger cuz - and at no time did he ever make me feel unwelcome or like anything less than a direct member of the family....The other three on the other hand.....WOW! Now I must admit - that growing up I didn't have to do much cooking, cleaning, grass cutting, car washing and all the other things that come with living in America. We had people to do all those things for us. So I was very new at a lot of the things that everyone in the house was a master of. Though willing to learn, that put me at a huge disadvantage. Instead of them trying to help me along to learn how to be a master of the domestics as they were - Auntie M, Uncle B and Older Cuz apparently had numerous discussions on how little I knew about doing a great job at house work. Now, I did everything I was asked to do - It just wasn't to the first class butler standard they expected - this was the beginning of the problem.

As I started to warm up to my new surroundings at school I began to spend more time there. Whether it was to study, participate in after school organizational activities or just meet up with some of my new classmates - it was ALL a problem for my Older Cuz....Why? She wasn't involved in anything, she had no friends and was always in a rush to get home after her last class of the day (only God knows why). What was the result of this you may ask? Let's say Older Cuz had her last class end at 3:00 pm - and I had my last class end at 5:00 pm - What do you think happened? (We lived 40 mins car drive away from school). That's right! You guessed it - She would leave me at school - and expect me to find my way home. This would have been O.K. if there were buses or trains that went to the side of town where we lived. It was an affluent community in the suburbs and there was NO public transportation. What did that mean? Unless I could get a student or faculty with a car to take me home - I had to find a way to spend the night and wait for my ride the next day (AWESOMENESS!)

Imagine this - I am in a new environment, don't know the people, the culture, or even directions to get home. I would have to make friends quickly in order to have a place to crash for the night or if it came to it I would have to sleep in the Engineering school (it was always open) and wake up early enough to evade being caught utilizing the table as a full size Sealy mattress. Unfortunately, I had to do both on several occasions to the point where I actually came to school with a suitcase - Just to make sure I had a change of clean clothes and a toothbrush. I would get up early in the morning and have a shower in the school gymnasium. Most people knew I wasn't an athlete - but they still let me in - for whatever reason - maybe it was the suitcase....   

Needless to say, the Bill Cosby Huckstable family vibe I thought I would experience didn't really materialize. After three months I was able to secure 3 semi permanent places to crash until I was able to get on my feet for myself (SHOUT OUT TO MY COLLEGE FRIENDS WHO OPENED THEIR DOORS AND ALLOWED ME TO SLEEP ON THEIR COUCHES AND FLOORS! NEVER WILL IT BE FORGOTTEN! I ALSO WANT TO SHOUT OUT THE ANCILLARY STAFF MEMBER OF HUSOB FOR GIVING ME CANNED FOODS AND LETTING ME KNOW THE CORPORATE MEETING SCHEDULE SO I COULD HAVE A DECENT MEAL EVERY NOW AND AGAIN! OH AND FOR NOT KICKING ME OUT OF THE BUILDING WHEN YOU KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN THERE!!! MADD LOVE - I AM ETERNALLY INDEBTED! ). What can I say - It was my new harsh reality that I had to embrace and conquer. Where was I going with this story - oh yes. So after 3 months of being left at school every now and again and not feeling very welcome to stay at my Aunt M's house - I packed my things and left. Funny enough - years later one of my uncle's ex-girlfriends said she was told I was kicked out....I said "Oh - is that what you heard" and left it at that. This is the first time I am actually sharing the story of how it all went down...

Now there is a lot more to the story I could tell you but I think you get the essence of what happened. These "family" members were supposed to be there for me when I needed them most - instead they drove me away - out into the wilderness to fend for myself. As a result, I became more resourceful, acquired amazing friends on my journey through College and graduated top of my class, president of many associations and organizations, and landed a job with the largest investment company in the world before graduation.

Based on this story how do you think I view FAMILY: Asset or Liability? You may be surprised.....I think having family is a HUGE ASSET.....I think where we get confused is the definition of the term FAMILY!!!! FAMILY by my definition - means having people in your life who will provide a couch or floor for you when you have no where to go - or provide canned food for you when they know you need something to eat. Family for me is a collective set of individuals who selflessly give of themselves in an effort to uplift, encourage and support you. If you have people like that in your life - You have ALL THE FAMILY you need!

I am not bitter about the situation now based on how things turned out - just very disappointed that a direct family member in my once favorite Uncle B would allow some of these things to happen to his nephew. But then again - he wasn't/isn't  the head of his household so he didn't really have much input. I didn't have enough forgiveness in my heart to invite them to my graduation - if I had to do it all over - would I? Maybe........