To my loyal and supportive readers - this week I have a VERY special treat for you. One of my very best friends who is a HUGE fan of this blog has been inspired to start writing. We both believe that writing can be a very powerful outlet for coming to terms with mentally and emotionally draining life situations. It is also a great way to help others deal with similar situations they may be facing. And now, without further ado, I present to you my friend and soon to be yours, with his debut piece entitled "Who Needs A Biological Father!" Please welcome - DEUCE!
Who Needs A Biological Father!
Well we all do to some extent but that's not the reason for this title. Like so many of us I've struggled with my relationship with my father.This piece isn't about bashing but telling my story about the lack of a relationship I have with him, how it ends up, and how I'm at peace with it.
Your parents are the ones you should be able to count on, depend on and look towards to be loved and taught how to love. As we all know that isn't always the case. As a young boy I always craved the affection of my father - from a far- but it never really seemed to materialize.
Some back story, my parents divorced when I was just 3 and for the most part it's been my mother and stepfather who raised me. My upbringing is from a family with lots of love and they weren't afraid to show it. My mother and stepfather - who I consider to be my true father - have and still continue to be there for me and are a great support system. With that said there was always a small part of me that wished my "biological" father played a more active role in my life while growing up. It never manifested itself...and I just simply "dealt with it." Its true what they say "Out of sight, Out of mind."
For all the milestones in my life - he just wasn't there. It's not as if I didn't know who my father was and wasn't in communication with him, but you can't make someone be a part of your life, he has to want to play an active role. There have been occasions when I wanted both my parents around. Looking back I never thought it affected me but looking back at some of the decisions I made regarding relationships, profession and just life in general have been a result of me overcompensating and working hard to be the opposite of everything I thought my father was. Ultimately there comes a time when you have to let it all go and be free from those shackles so that you can truly live and enjoy just being you - instead of focusing on trying not to be him. Don't get me wrong, I have accomplished a lot in my life and lived, but sometimes you hold yourself back subconsciously.
During my mid twenties after a few years of being out of touch with my father I picked up the phone to call him. Why? Simply because my spirit moved me to, no other reason. It wasn't planned, no idea what I was going to say, but feelings and thoughts that I never knew I had in me came pouring out. After this one sided exchange, at least that's what it felt like. I finally felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Didn't realize I was burdened until I had that conversation with my father that evening. As a grown man I cried like I never had in my life. To know that you have someone who you are half of and they can neglect you and repeatedly blame someone else for not being a part of your life is devastating! No matter how old we get we are always looking for approval from our parents in some way. Even when we have families of our own.
In that same conversation I told my biological father that I have a real father who raised me and that I didn't consider him (my biological father) to be a real man. I know what love is from my mother and the father who nurtured me from a boy to a man. I told him we would never have a father son relationship but maybe one day in the future we could be friends. With that my father cried, he realized he had lost me, but what he failed to understand is that I was gone long ago but just didn't know how to say it.
Years passed, we kept in touch every once in a while, he was sick with cancer and i checked in on him. This time I was in control of the frequency of this friendship. Fast forward 2008 I decided to take a vacation to Florida, where my father just happens to live. I decided to try once again to establish a more friendly relationship. Things started to move in a more positive direction so I gave it another chance!
What happens when you begin to let people back into your life? It's a toss up, it can go either way. Tune in next week to find out the conclusion. Will it be redemption after all these years?
=======================================================================
Ladies and gentlemen I would like to take this opportunity to thank Deuce for sharing this story with us - and I look forward to posting the conclusion next week. To my devoted readers, please remember. I love you all as much as hotdogs love ketchup. Until next time, walk good!
317
So many can relate to this. Thanks for sharing. Kudos to Kris on his 5lb weight loss so far! Keep it up
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. It takes a real man to open up about something so personal. On the positive side, you are so blessed to have had a stepfather who loved and raised you like his own. That is not the experience of so many people.
ReplyDeleteDo you have kids? Or plan to? I am curious how your relationship with your biological father impacts your relationship with your own kids. Or your views on fatherhood in general.
I completely understand what you went through and going through. I too have the same issue and I have tried and still trying not to be like my father. Like you it affected many areas in my life and sometimes I didn't notice it. The relationship between my father and I will never be a father/daughter relationship I can't even say it that we will be friends. I hope your relationship works out better and looking forward to the conclusion
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Chris....chin up, shoulders back and you kept it moving...will check back for part II next week.....
ReplyDeleteGood piece Deuce. I am glad to see that you had the support of your step-dad, I've heard a lot of stories where things don't always go so smoothly. Looking forward to part 2.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the response so far everyone. To the reader who asked if I have kids yet, no but one day. I look forward to that chapter in my life. To answer your other question my views on fatherhood in general are simple. It is a privilege to have a child, and no one or thing could ever come between me and my child exempt death itself. I never understood how people can have kids and not be a part of there lives. That is a part of you, real parents see themselves thru there children's eyes! so when you are not active in there life you must not think that highly of yourself.
ReplyDeleteWell I am glad you all like the entry thus far, stay tuned until next week when i will have the conclusion. Have a Happy Easter!
HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THIS?! Now I have to wait a whole week to find out what happened?! GRRRR!!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat post Deuce. Openness like this takes great strength!
Open up my brother. Blog it out of your system :-)
ReplyDeleteMy divorced parents were civil enough to allow me to be shared, even though it was thousands of miles away. I had a step-father who 'filled in the critical gaps' I guess I got a little lucky.
Play Devil's Advocate: Think of an ex you would not dare talk to again. Imagine if you learned you are both going to have a baby together. How much involved do you think you could/want to be?
Thanks for sharing a big part of your life with the world Chris. You're stronger for it.
ReplyDeleteThe ending of a relationship is never easy but is made worse when children are involved. Nevertheless, each parent has to make the extra effort to work together for the greater good - loving, supporting and being involved in the lives of their child(ren).
"Looking back I never thought it affected me but looking back at some of the decisions I made regarding relationships, profession and just life in general have been a result of me overcompensating and working hard to be the opposite of everything I thought my father was."
ReplyDeleteThat struck a chord with me - I can definitely relate. Great post.
- Keys
Wow , overwhelmed by the response thus far. Glad I struck a chord with many of you. As I mentioned before we don't realize how a situation effects us until we hear someone else's story. I wrote this as a way to put final closure in my relationship and to help others to possibly take stock of their relationships as well.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to sharing the rest of my story with you, in next weeks entry. Thanks again for the support you've shown me.