Awkward...

If you have been living on the planet for more than a day - chances are - you have found yourself in quite a few awkward and embarrassing situations. You know, the type that would have you thinking - How did I get myself into this? It could anything from forgetting someone's name when it's your cue to make a formal public introduction. Or asking a girl-friend you haven't seen for a while how far along she is, when in fact, she isn't pregnant. Let's take it a step further - imagine an adolescent boy who has discovered and quickly mastered the art of masturbation - He is in his room getting some "practice" when BOOM!!! His mom opens the door and catches him pants down in mid stroke....Ouch! Awkward for both parties - I think you would agree.

But this story I am about to tell you is a different kind of awkward. One that takes a while to recover from if you can recover any at all. Let me explain - When I was about 17 I was in a pretty "serious" relationship with a girl we will call Kim - and it lasted for about 4 years. During that time Kim and I spent a lot of time with each others' families, we traveled to exotic locations and did a lot of romantic things that loving couples do. My family absolutely LOVED Kim and even though they only saw her on special occasions once or twice a year, they would always ask me how she was doing and about the next time they would see her...

Fast forward to the end of the 4th year...Things weren't working out and we eventually broke up. Because I knew my family would have made a BIG stink over the situation, I kept the break up as quiet as I could. About 6 months later I met someone else, let's call her Terry, and we started dating seriously about 3 months after that. Things were going well and I figured it was now time to start introducing her to the family. Well, my grandparents were about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary and ALL the family was scheduled to be there....I thought what better chance would I have to introduce Terry to the entire family? At the time it seemed like a fantastic idea....

Not so much. On the day of the event I was given many responsibilities to help make the event run smoothly and I wasn't going to have a lot of time to formally introduce Terry to my family. No worries, Terry is friendly and easy to talk to and my family is always cool with anyone I bring around - it should all work out right? WRONG!

First of all they had assigned seating and the group at the table we were to sit with, were my most talkative and rambumctious set of family members. No problem, they would just have more to laugh and talk about right? Unfortunately, when it came to having a lot to talk about - they sure did! But not the kind of conversations I had in mind. Here is how it went down. We got to the event a couple of hours early to set up so only a few family members who were involved in the planning had a chance to meet Terry. My plan was to introduce Terry to our assigned table, then table after table until she met everyone at the party....

When the function started and people started to come in I was tasked with seating everyone. Which meant Terry was sitting at the table without me there. I did see that her table was full though and she was in deep conversation with each and every one at the table. That was comforting. The evening went on and my responsibilities became greater and greater so my plan to introduce Terry wasn't working and I did notice that when I glanced at her from time to time to check if she was OK - she had a really weird look on her face and looked at me kind of funny each time our eyes met. I just figured she was being subjected to hearing a bunch of old stories or inappropriate jokes. WAS I WRONG!!!

Close to the end of the night when I finally had a chance to sit with Terry and everyone else was off on the dance floor she filled me in on what happened - this is the conversation:

Me: Hey Baby, as you can see it's been crazy, but I'm all yours now!
Terry: Who's Kim?
Me: Kim?
Terry: YES Kim?
Me: Oh, she was my ex-girlfriend, why?
Terry: Well for starters everyone has been calling me Kim for the entire night AND been telling me how much they look forward to you popping the question to me (her) because they love me (her) so much!
Me: Ahm....well...ahm...
Terry: Do you still love her? Because they clearly do? I have never been put in a situation like this ever in my life! They told me how you are like putty in Kim's hands and how much you have changed since you met her and some even went as far as to tell me about all the trips to exotic locations "WE" went on and how romantic you are because of how much you love me (Kim)
Me: I am sorry you had to go through that, my intention was to introduce you to everyone and break the news about Kim to them tonight....
Terry: That was a MAJOR mistake. People were telling me they prefer my hair in the other style I usually wear it in and how much weight I have put on for the entire night. It got to the point where being Kim was my only escape from the situation.
Me: I am so sorry I put you through all of this...I...
Terry: AND HOW COME YOU HAVEN'T CARRIED ME TO ANY OF THOSE EXOTIC PLACES?
Me: Exotic places?
Terry: Take me home! Take me home now!

O.K. - There are a few things I need to mention about the dialogue above. In the beginning it was very

civil and we were both speaking at a normal volume. By about mid way, Terry started screaming at the top of her lungs which attracted EVERYONE'S attention - including my grandparents'! By the time she said "Take me home now," the DJ had stopped the music! Try hard to imagine the scene. Almost 200 family members all formally dressed at a snazzy hotel ballroom all looking at the commotion which you are the center of! Then to add insult to injury - the music stops playing......It would be difficult for anyone to compete with how awkward and embarrassing that situation made me feel. To make matters even worse, Terry's house was 3 hours away from the function. We were scheduled to spend the night at the hotel but as you can see - the plans quickly took a turn for the worse.

So in addition to all the ruckus we created at the party, I now had to endure the longest most uncomfortable 3 hour ride to Terry's house. One of the more memorable days I would love to forget!
Take the advice from someone who knows first hand, if you are in a new relationship with someone you think is worthy of meeting your family - PLEASE - find a way to give them (the family) a heads up AND if you can also give your new girl friend/ boy friend a bit of history about your previous relationship to help break down some of that wierd ice and prep them for the inevitable questions...that may not be a bad idea either.

To my loyal readers, thanks for your continued support and remember - I love you like Yogi Bear loves picnic baskets. Until next time - Walk good!

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