Before I shift my attention over to humans - there is one interesting fact I stumbled across during my research I would like to share. Monogamous pairs of animals are not always sexually exclusive. Many animals that form pairs to mate and raise offspring regularly engage in sexual activities with partners other than their primary mate. This is called extra-pair copulation.Sometimes these extra-pair sexual activities lead to offspring.
Now that being said - Let's bring this discussion to human beings. Be honest with yourself - have you ever sat and thought - What exactly qualifies as cheating? Is cheating intercourse, a kiss, physical contact or simply exchanging a smile (flirting)? Let's take it a step further - what about lusting at pornographic videos and/or magazines, or instant messaging photos and sending suggestive messages - is that considered virtual cheating? How about going to lunch with the same person every day if you found him/her attractive? My guess is that if you are a man, your answers probably differ from those of a woman - but this is my take.....
A relationship between a couple is extremely complicated. I am not sure if there has been a scientific formula created that can truly give you the answer to why one relationship works and the other doesn't. Humans are just too damn complicated! What I can tell you is this though - A good relationship is built on a strong foundation of openness, honesty and good communication - if you do it right it's more than a full time job. But with honesty and openness comes true feelings. Now ladies, many of you bicker and complain about your man not opening up and telling you how he feels - the truth is - 90% (modest figure) of the time you couldn't handle if he were to express what's going on in his head. YES, he does want to sleep with your hot friend/cousin - YES, he would love if you were more of a freak in bed - YES, he wants you to shut the fuck up when he is watching the game; make him a damn sandwich and bring a beer while you are at it! NO, he does not enjoy going to the mall with you - NO, he doesn't want to be around you when you are PMSing or on your period and NO, you can't be his side kick when he wants to chill with his friends - Go away - find friends and get a life that exists without him!
Does that sound harsh ladies? Well that's what many of us think! Would you rather hear those answers - or just think it and not have any confirmation? It's usually your call - make it! I digress - Why do men cheat? I can't speak for all men - but while I was in College I had a very philosophical conversation with my male roommate at the time (ahurrr 2219!) about why we (men) seem to prefer multiple female partners. Now, was there drugs and/or alcohol involved while coming to this conclusion? I plead the 5th, you be the judge. We concluded that men from ancient times were hunters - and once they found their prey, tracked it and finally made the "kill"- the adrenalin rush soon subsided. Then in the mind of the primitive man he was ready for the thrill of the next hunt and kill. You see men enjoy the chase - we like the thrill of the hunt - and there is no better "kill" than the first. Once you have made the initial "kill" - that feeling never comes back.......UNLESS.....you get another first time kill from another "animal." Now of course there is a delicate balance between the chase and the kill - and once a woman can play her cards right - she may become the hunter instead of the hunted. But that's for another blog entry.
Women - the fairer sex. I would have to consider them the smarter and more calculating sex as well. You see when it comes to cheating men are extremely sloppy creatures - we don't pay attention to details - and in the moments when we should be the most discrete - we tend to be the least...THAT IS WHY GENTLEMEN, WE GET CAUGHT! Women - oh no - they are calculating and precise creatures when it comes to the creep. They know what time they need to be home by so as not to arouse suspicion, they know how they should look, act, smell and even taste to keep you none the wiser to all the devious deeds they did. They don't forget movie tickets on the counter, or male underwear in their back seat - nope - they don't make those stupid mistakes - MEN DO - THIS IS WHY GENTLEMEN THEY DON'T GET CAUGHT!
Many people are under the impression that men cheat more than women - THAT IS A BIG MYTH! The truth is, women cheat just as much as men, only they are leaps and bounds ahead of men with actually getting away with it. Women are more cunning, sly and deceitful than men - they are a lot better at the "game" than we (men) give them credit for - and I am not sure if there is a woman alive who would not agree with that statement. I could be wrong (hint for leaving a comment), but I have yet to see the contrary.
What does all of this mean? If men are cheating and women are cheating ...Why are we pretending to be monogamous? Are we just practicing monogamy if and when it suites us? I am glad you asked that question - I think men and women cheat for different reasons. A man cheats because he wants the "rush" of hunting for something new - exploring uncharted territory. A woman cheats because she knows her man is cheating on her...(just kidding - but not really). You see once a woman feels a disconnect emotionally from her mate - the first thing she assumes is that he is unfaithful (she is usually right) - and trust me - once she thinks that - it's all down hill for you brotha! That in addition to not being satisfied sexually is a pretty good combination for her to practice infidelity. Abuse and neglect are also HUGE on the female list when it comes to giving herself a reason to jump ship. Let's not even get into the fact that she may just want more provided financially from her significant other - that's a whole different discussion.
Now I am by no means saying that every human being is unfaithful to his or her partner - what I am saying is that it seems to be a lot more prevalent than it was five and six decades ago. Not saying it didn't happen, but women were less mobile (financially) and had to put up with the crap that men dished out just because they had no choice. You and I know - this is no longer the case - yes men still make more money than women do in the workplace (for now) in comparable positions but the quantity of women graduating with advanced degrees far supersedes that of their male counterpart - and I predict that soon the tables will turn and women will be dishing the dirt and men will be the ones cleaning it up...(he who laughs last eh?).
Someone once told me that men don't have a type, it's whoever makes themselves available.. That being said, I believe men cheat when the bonds of whatever relationship they are in isn't strong. My father is a smart man, he never cheated on my mother because as he put it, he loves my mother and women on the outside want more than sex.
ReplyDeleteFor men, its about sex, for women its about emotions. There may be exceptions to the rule, but in its basest form, that what it boils down to.
In these tough economic times, it is not very viable to cheat and get caught.. Headaches over money, moving out, the kids, becoming a pariah to friends and family.. the list goes on.
I also need to point out, that if you are in a fulfilling relationship, your head cannot wrap around the idea of cheating. A fulfilling relationship is just that.. fulfilling.
Bringing back memories, Dizzle!! I remember that convo quite well! (and, for the viewing public, one of us was sober, and the other.. uhhh... uhmm... yea. Not.)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I think men tend to think of long-term implications when faced with a long-term woman on the side, or habitual creepin' with other women. The night out with the fellas where you met Ms. Fine Ass tends not to bring guilt rushing to the brain; the thought is usually "will I get caught", not "if I get caught". The if tends to come about after the initial euphoria of new poo has passed I think.
Speaking from personal experience, or observation? Pfft... anything I say will be held against me! (eeh, Dizzle??)
Ahhurrr!!
Well another week, another tantilizing topic up for discussion. A debate as old as time itself, man, women and the ties that hold them together (or not). I think you posed some really intelligent points in this discussion this week. We as human beings are trained and told that at a certain point in our lives we need to become monogamous and have offspring. Many of us follow that beaten path, but the majority of us find a slight bend along that path which leads to the term in your post as “extra-pair copulation” leading us to the topic for today. What is monogamy and what is considered cheating.
ReplyDeleteIs cheating physical or is it as simple as emotional entanglement? Depending on what species you ask you’ll have your answer. Relationships are complicated to begin with and become more traverse when you add the complexities of the heart and body. The majority of men think with there penis while most women think with there hearts. The problem is no one is thinking with there head!
The point about women being better at cheating is spot on. Whereas a man doesn’t think about the whole betrayal, women micro-manage the entire process. What women do you know that doesn’t like to be in control and have an answer for everything? None, me neither!
For men its the rush, the conquer, the kill of something new. For women its about the connection something lost that they are not getting at home. I think that people need to be more open and honest with themselves and with there partners when it comes to affairs of the heart and body. If that was happening the divorce rate in this country would be drastically lower. Maybe it’s truly time to investigate the meaning and institution of marriage. It’s become a trend that people follow because everyone else is doing it. Try it out for a while until it gets hard or complicated, then move on to the new prettier or younger model.
My personal opinion is if you want to be in a monogamist relationship do your “BEST” to make it work. If you want a relationship with no strings attached let the other person know. Save yourself and everyone else the headache and pain. Trust me, your not the only one involved when it goes wrong! Monogamy is not for everyone and if people were true to themselves about it, the world would be a much happier place. Maybe we would have less WAR, just a thought?
To join today's blog is to debate - which I want to avoid. It is true that relationships are complicated, yes. For all the complexity we have to be mindful that while we discuss we note what is paradox and what is not.
ReplyDeleteThe thrill of which we speak will be enhanced when we are lying on the couch watching that game together and we take turn fixing the snacks, and chosing opposing sides to cheer for; the thrill will outlast our time if we walk the mall together - visualising what could be as we window shop.
The PMSing (at other times called "Putting up with Men's Shit") is a time to show compassion. Some men and women understand that at this time the changes in the levels of our neurotransmitters leave women vulnerable to awful moods. The same situation which causes deep dark depression. We miss the opportunity to show COMPASSION. Compassion is a feeling which is a natural bond -
Anyway I duck out at this point - call in Dr Phil.
A monogamous relationship comes with emotional maturity and fulfillment. If you are in a relationship in which there is friendship,love and respect then the desire for 'extra-pair copulation' will not be there.
ReplyDeleteSharing , companionship , enjoying just being together is the basic essence of keeping a relationship. Just knowing that I like this person and I do not wish to do anything that will cause hurt and pain. The hunting can still be present in a monogamous relationship if one does not take things for granted and realize that we should always be thinking of different ways to bring excitement and novelty to a relationship, use your imagination guys and keep it active in that one relationship rather than using it to think up ways of how not to get caught in the other one.
Continuing to seek that 'extra' simply shows a lack of maturity and fulfillment. But then , that is just my opinion; I am no Dr Phil.
I enjoyed this article thoroughly! well said, i agree with every word. I have nothing further to add, which is rare for me. You hit the nail on the head Dizzle.
ReplyDeleteKris
Is there really a divide? Since the choice of gender preference stretches from same sex to choosing both, the topic has to be re-named "why do WE (humans) cheat"?
ReplyDeleteNo longer is the finger on just MEN, but all 3 genders. :-)
People cheat because it is a natural instinct related to greed. It is how well you can tame the inner-beast that will determine your monogamous stamina.
Sometimes we can't help but to roll up to the intersection before the light is green, peek when someone says dont look, go at least one mile over the speed limit, glance at That Ass that just passed (knowing you probably will never see it again)- Natural.
Humans don't really have much fear when it comes to doing what's wrong. As for CHEATING, nobody knows why we do except the guilty individuals.
What can stop us besides ourselves...STDs, Lorraina Bobbit, OctaMom effect, the Eternal Fire of hell.....? No. The question is "Can you live with it?"
rh